The Gun

The caves were frigid. I was almost out of breath. Dodging plasma rounds is hard work. But I was determined to get this guy. "Who are you?!" I yelled. Laughter was all I received. I was getting pissed. Moving my legs and arms around was like heaving sacks of rock. I couldn't keep this up for much longer. I needed to end this quick. I'd have taken him out with my Big Bang Sneeze, but I had already pushed myself to it's limit(with all the troll killing and all). I wondered how M was doing. Hopefully, he was done getting daddy's hammer back and was on his way to help me. Or maybe, the trolls overpowered him and were on their way to finish me off. Shit. I couldn't do this anymore. This "simple mission" had taken me past my limit. But I wasn't going to lose here. Not like this. I needed to think. This guy's only been using the rifle mode on scatter. He's using a lot of unneccessary energy. So his aim must be bad if he can't take me out with precision. So what do I do? Keep dodging and moving forward then take him out face to face? Sounds solid. Then again, he could just be dicking with me(Maniacal laughter is kinda unsettling). Fudge it. The next blast that came hit hard. A cloud surrounded the whole area. "Looks like the end Space Dick!" The voice cheered. "The Bartha-scum should pay me nicely for your remains." He stuck the gun in his belt as he walked over to the crater that was left."That's saying if there are any remains." He investigated but found nothing. The smirk on his face made me want to Billy Zane from Demon Knights Skull Punch his ass, but I waited. "Oh well, looks like I'll have to make do with a suped-up I.S.D space cruiser, a robo-whore, and a bull corpse." "Or I can see what I can get with a troll king's." The "king's" body went completely stiff as I whispered those last words into his ear. But I helped loosen him up as I ripped his spine out from his lower back. His body hit the floor like a wet robe. His skull slapped the rock. I looked for a second watching his crown tumble down the crater where he thought I was. Detectives are keepers of the peace. Detectives complete missions with ease and tact. Detectives are supposed to withdraw instead of negotiate. Detectives usually accept defeat. Unfortunately for the troll king, I'm a bad detective.

Until Next Time,
Christopher De La Paz I.S.D out

P.S: Now it's time to pick up a robo-whore.

The Ram

I don't know what it was about that hammer thing, but it pissed my little bull freak friend off. All of a sudden. The Mayhnohtawr tossed those little troll bastards off his back like they were dirty laundry. Those trolls flew and splattered right there on the walls of the cave. It was awesome. Then M ran straight for the troll carrying the hammer. Of course, he had to plow through the other trolls standing in his way. Poor bastards. At this point, the trolls that were holding me down left. I guess they wanted to focus on bullface. While he was taking care of business, this gave me the opportunity to search through the caves. As I was running through the cave's turns and dips, I though about some things. What was up with the Mayhnotawr? I've never seen anyone get so worked up over a hammer. And what was with that thing he said? Papa? What's his dad gotta do with a hammer? (Side for the fact that Mayhnohtawrs are known for carrying hammers) But whatever. All this running and thinking was making me tired. I decided to stop and rest for a while. It was scary resting in those caves. Here I am, in the middle of enemy territory, taking a breather. But it was peaceful being in the darkness. I managed to find myself next to one of them cave rivers. It was nice and cool. Suddenly, my peace was disrupted as I heard a loud pop. Then, a flash of light was heading straight for me. I quickly dodged the blast as it turn the rock behind me into dust. I'd be worried of a cave in if I wasn't so sure that trolls are the best cave builders in the world. But renown cave builder or not, whoever shot at me was going to die. Especially, FOR TRYING TO KILL ME WITH MY OWN PISTOL/RIFLE!!!!

Until next time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out.

Things are about to get messy once I get my gun back.

The Hammer

Yo. So there I was surrounded by trolls. I turn to the Mayhnohtawr and I'm all like "Woah man, this sucks!"He looks to me and says "Indeed" in his faggy brit talk. Meanwhile, the trolls come up to us(at this point, there's a shit-ton of em') and say "Allright you Directorate trash, you're coming with us to the great troll city of.......AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" While they're talking, I decide to use my combat skills to wreak havoc on their frontlines. Just because I'm surrounded doesn't mean I'm done fighting. So I'm letting them have it. I'm pretty sure at on point, I beat a 16 year old troll soldier with the spine of the 84 year old troll soldier next to him. Seriously, I was doing things so horrific that the Mayhnohtawr was vomitting for three weeks after this. I impaled five trolls with a troll. Things were getting ridiculous. I mean, I knew trolls were easy to kill, but come on. This explains all the underground dwelling and the trap setting. These things can barely defend themselves. Things only things they got going for them is that there are so god damn many of them. I mean it. If I killed like 1, another 5 seem to appear. I got extremely tired. I looked to the Mayhnohtawr and gave him one of those "Bitch! What the fuck were you doing?" stares. The Mayhnohtawr just sat there with a defeated look on his face as the remaining trolls stood there taunting him. "Yo bitch! You aint got nothin on dis. Das why the rest of you bull fucking shitdicks got iced by us." one charming troll said. Another yelled out "Kill the last of the Minotaurs!!!" "Yeah!!! Kill the miserable bastard!!!" one man said. And seeing that I was the only man there, I'm just going to go ahead and tell you it was me. I couldn't help it. It slipped. Eitherway, everyone else seemed to be all for the whole "killing" thing(But we all know he's going to get through this. All thanks to my spoiler from earlier). So that was it. The trolls were in agreement. "Execute the beast!!!" they all chanted. And each time they said it, the more terrified the Mayhnohtawr became. All of a sudden, one troll stood out from the top of the crowd and belted out a command. "BRING OUT THE DESTROYER AND THE FORGE!!!" I had no idea what he was talking about. But then I looked to the Mayhnohtawr. His eyes were wide open and his jaw was hanging. Something told me he knew exactly what he was talking about. Then it seemed as if he muttered one word.... "Papa?"

Until next time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out

The Cave

So we were there standing in front of the dark mouth that lead into the bowels of this foul planet. Why do trolls have to live in such creepy places? "We must travel deep if we wish to get to the troll capitol." the Mayhnohtawr grumbled. I assume he's not happy that I'm forcing him to face the creatures that made him an endangered species. I feel bad. I'd go it alone if I knew the way. I tried to make him feel better " Suck it up, Pansy. You get me through this and I can leave you and this dead rock." I think that helped. We began our journey into the abyss. It must have been days travel in the void of the cave. We trekked through dark corner after dark corner. It seemed as the deeper we went in the absence of good increased more and more. I was becoming agitated. It felt as though the darkness was weighing heavier and heavier on our shoulders. That could only mean one thing. We were being followed. After a while, I was unsure if the Mayhnohtawr actually knew where he was going. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. "Where are we going, you moron?!?!" I exploded. "Shhhh" The Mayhnotawr snapped back at me. " We have to lose them before they make their move." I hate it when I'm right. "How many of them are there?" I asked him, trying to play it cool. He takes a big whiff in and responds " About 86." he takes another whiff " And another 347 are on there way." It's crazy. I knew we were being followed, but god damn. These trolls really now how to not be noticed. Bunch of cowards. I smiled to my bullfreak friend "Well Bessy. Looks like these trolls are throwing a party and we're the guests of honor." "What do we do Mr. I.S.D?" the Mayhnohtawr's voice was beginning to quiver. "Play it by the book, my friend." My palms were beginning to sweat " And try our best to survive." We stopped moving forward. "What're you doing?....." the Mayhnohtawr began to ask me. But before he could begin to panic even more I turned around and looked deep into the darkness" Alright assclowns! We know you're there and we're ready for ya! Now come on and I may let you live if you give me what I want!" At this point, I remembered that I have no weapon or armor of any kind to help me out of this pickle. But it's not like they knew that. Suddenly, a voice echoed from the darkness. "Give up I.S.D!!! We know you're unarmed. Now surrender or we'll kill you and that spinelss oaf." How could they know unarmed. "We have your space cruiser, your sidearm, and the Fembot." Crap. That's how they know. Well shit. Hmmm. Okay. Give me another blog entry and I'll figure a way out of this.

Until next time:
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out.

Two and a half blog entries my ass.

Mothers Day Special

We interupt this blog to bring you the following video: Love you mom.

Tune in next Wednesday for The Cave. Maybe Michibot will be down there.

The Interrogation

I paced back and forth as my prisoner watched me back and forth. He seemed much gentler without his giant Mecha-tawr. I had him on the floor bound down. He looked at me with kind eyes and a simple smile over his beard. I grabbed him by the horns and dug my knee into his snout. "How do I get to the Trolls, assface?" I politely asked. He looked up at me now with tears in his eyes and blood running down his mouth froim his nose and said to me in his gay Liverpoolish accent(a place on some fag planet I came across a while back ago) " What'dya do that for? That really hurt, it did." He could easily fight back. This thing is massive. A bit small for a Mayhnohtawr, but still large enough to break through the many bindings I put on him and crush me. But he just keeps sitting there, staring at me. "I'm trying complete my mission. I'm escorting a goverment aid to the Directorate Capitol. You said she's with the Trolls. Now tell me how to get to her." I just want this beast to cooperate with me. As I finish my request, he continue to stare. It's irritating. If he doesn't answer me soon, I will kill him. Not because I have to, but because I'm that impatient. He smiles " You didn't say the magic word." "YOU MORON! I AM GOING TO SMASH YOUR HEAD IN WITH YOUR OWN HAMMER IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE THE TROLLS ARE HIDING!!!" I would've unloaded on this guy if I still had my plasma pistol-rifle. Though, I think I got to him. Because now those eyes that were kind and filled with happiness were now sad and glossy. "I don't have a hammer. I never had one. After the meanies and the Big boss with the red eyes sent the other Mayhnohtawrs away. There was no one else but me. No more soldiers, no more pie makers, and no more hammersmiths." I heard of the Great Mayhnohtawr Resistence. They had Barthalog on the run for long time. Until he brought in the Trolls. " So it's just you?" I asked. "That's right. And I was doin a good job of stayin alive until you busted my Mecha-tawr." "I'm sorry." The last of his kind. I know that feeling. "Look. If you help me, I'll help you get your revenge. Just please, show me where the trolls are keeping Michi-bot." He sat and thought awhile. "I'll show you where they're keeping her. But I don't want revenge. I just want a hammer. Help me retrieve the great hammer of Marcus the Forge and I will take you to your little girl-bot." "Who's Marcus the Forge?" I asked. "Well, he was the leader of the Resistence, the maker of hammers, and well....." he paused for a moment, then looked back at me with a few more tears in his eyes. " Well, he was also my dad." I stretched my hand out towards him. He grasped it with his massive mitts. "It's a deal. Show me where they're keeping your dad's hammer and then you can take me to Michi-bot." I'm excited. I may get to kill a lot of people. "That'll be simple. They're both in the same place." He got to his feet, breaking all of my binding as I thought he could. "It's off to the cave now." It seems like our time in the Labyrinth on the surface is over. But our time in the Labyrinth underground has just begun. I hate trolls.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out

The Mayhnohtawr Part Two

Many things can go through a man's head just before he's about to be smashed to bits by a colossal hammer. I had to think quick in order to defeat this beast. I looked around me to see what I can use. All I see is crushed rock, broken down trees, and all sorts of furry little creatures running for their lives. I hate furry little creatures. Useless vermin is all they are. They're covered in filth and carry countless diseases. Just the thought of them makes my allergies act up. That's it. It may be a bit much. But it has to work. I look up at the hammer with my eyes filled with tears and my nostrils flared. I take a deep breath and let him have it. I'm not allowed to sneeze anywhere in the galaxy, due to their destructive powers. And because of the damage I've caused with my sneezes, I am sometimes referred to as "The Hurricane". I sneeze once to knock the hammer out of the bull monster's hands. A second one knocks him on his ass. And finally, I jump up on to the monster's chest, look him dead in the eyes and I sneeze a third time to end it. As soon as I take this final sneeze, I see the flesh get blown right off the face of the Mayhnohtawr. Their is dust and debris everywhere. A few of the mountains that were standing behind the Mayhnohtawr are no longer there. Perhaps I over did it. The dust began to settle. I look down at where the Mayhnotawr's head is supposed to be. I don't expect much to be left after a direct hit like that but maybe a few skull fragments. Everything is clear. And much to my surprise, all I see are wires, circuits, and a mutilated metal Mayhnohtawr skull. What the hell is going on? A machine? Suddenly, I hear a thumping on the inside of the monster's chest. I think to myself, "It's heart is still beating." Then I hear a voice call out, " Hello? Is anyone out there?" It was a cute voice that sounded much like a mongoloid Ringo Starr. It called out again " I'm stuck. I'd greatly appreciate it if you would just help me out." Is this thing serious? "I'm very sorry for trying to smash you to bits," it called out again. Well, if it's sorry, Iguess I could help him out. One punch is all it takes for me to break through the contraptions shell. I reach my hand out to help the creature insinde. A big furry hand takes mine, " Thank you very much. Mr. I.S.D. I would've gone crazy. You see, I'm a bit claustrophobic." I can't believe this thing is the legendary Mayhnohtawr. He dusts himself off and makes his way to the ground. I jump down off his hunk-o-juck mayhnohbot. Hearing the beast talk and seeing how he acts, he comes off as a bit...Well, how can I say this? He comes off as a bit of a puss. Very well groomed, his horns polished, bull's beard trimmed, and shiny hooves. It doesn't look like he hasn't seen much battle. But don't get me wrong. He's still a "mayhnohtawr". Though, not as tall as his metal shell. He reached 11 feet easy. His body is built like an ox in his prime. He looks to me with kind, concerned eyes, " I'm terribly sorry for trying to kill you, mate. It's just business, you know? If you don't hurt me, I'll be glad to help you with whatever you need..." As he was politely rambling, I though it'd be good to cut to the chase. So I socked him in the nose, grabbed the bull by the horns(HA!), slammed his head into the ground, and said."Alright freak! Tell me where Michibot is or I swear to God I'll chop your head off and use as a toilet in my cruiser!" "I don't know!" he responded barely conscious. I stuck my hand in his mouth and grabbed his tongue. "Okay, Assface! Tell me or your tongue is getting shoved into my breakfast burrito." He decided to cooperate. "Chrolls thook her!" He managed to spit out while his tongue was still in my hand. I let go. I didn't have to ask him to know what he was trying to say. I hate trolls.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D. Out

The Mahynohtawr

I just keep running. There's no way I'm fighting a minotaur with no weapon. I wish Barthalog would've left something to help me survive. Oh well. I'll play this one by the book. Just try your best to survive. That's what the handbook tells us. But I'm gonna have a hard time in this jam. Every corner I turn, I hear the minotaur's footsteps getting closer. As I turn one corner, I almost fall into a pit of acid bullfrogs. I have to stay focused. Otherwise, this planet will get the best of me. I stop for a rest. Everything goes quiet. The footsteps have stopped. I look around. All I see are walls and corners and crimson sky. Things are calm. Calm and suspicious. I don't like it. The air grows heavy. Hot and wet. I don't remember the humidity being this thick......and spastic.......and feeling as if there were some giant bull-like creature standing over me breathing heavily over my head. Oh Shit. The minotaur has me. I look up and lo and behold, there he is. He snarls and grunts. The force from his nostrils shift the clouds in the sky in the opposite direction. This mammoth creature truly is god-like. He looks down at me with his eyes as black as the void. He opens his mouth to speak "WHO DARES TO WANDER IN THE REALM OF THE MAHYNOHTAWR!" The mountains shake at his thunderous voice. I look up at him and reply "Uhm.....(clears throat).... It is I, Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D." "WHO?!" He throws back to me another crack of thunder. "Chris I.S.D, oh mighty minotaur" I manage to push out of my mouth along with the brick I manage to push into my pants. "MINI-TAR?!?! I AM NOT VERY SMALL TAR, CHRIS I.S.D! I AM THE MAYHNOHTAWR!" "That's kinda gay!" I reply when I subconsciously decide I don't want to live anymore. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, VERMIN?!?!" Yeah. I pissed him off. I figured that out by the sound of his voice. I also realized it when he started lifting his hammer over his head which I mistook for a mountain resting behind him. I'm not looking forward to this amount of pain. He swings down with a force that seems to blow all the stone labyrinth walls into dust. I look up and watch the mountain size hammerhead come down. I think about my life. I've been hunted down by men I was supposed to be hunting. I've been sent to realms, dimensions, galaxies, and wormholes that I was never supposed to come back from. I've been wrongfully imprisoned, tortured for months on end, and have had many of girlfriend with crazy dads with guns. I've faced things that would make a normal man go insane within a matter of seconds. So as this hammer is about to crush me, I lift my hand up and roar right back at the "mayhnohtawr", "I AM FUCKING CHRISTOPHER DELAPAZ I.S.D! AND I AM ABOUT TO END YOU!!!!" I think it's time to show this thing what madness looks like.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out

The Reunion

I wake up. I look all around me and all I see is darkness. I try getting up, but I can't move. I'm tied to a chair. "Am I a prisoner?" I thought. And then I look ahead and see them. Two flaming red orbs staring right at me. Suddenly, I felt as if I were punched in the stomach by fear. But then I realized I was actually punched in the stomach by someone who apparently had a very large fist. "That's enough Hanz!" a deep voice seemed to growl. It came from the orbs. I knew that voice. He spoke again, "Let's introduce our guest to his hosts." The lights burned my eyes. It was so bright. You know that feeling when you've been sleeping off a hang over and your mom comes into your room and opens the curtains so you could get ready for church? Well, that's what it felt like. I was blind for a moment. Then my vision began to clear. Everything looked like a smudge, but I could still see those flaming eyes. Then everything became clear as crystal. And I saw him. "Hey Barthy." I says to him. "Hello Space Dick. How're the last moments of your life?" he asked with cold delight. He's never one for jokes and sarcasm. Not unless he's about to kill someone. That's one of Barthalog's most sinister qualities. He likes to have fun on the job. "I see you're still alive after the Ginger Revolt," I smirked at him. Another punch got me in the gut. I looked to my side as the this gargantuan mass of muscle standing next to me wearing nothing but a loincloth pulls back his fist. Barthy always was a bit "odd". "No thanks to you!" he growled once more, " Half of my dimension's forces were mutilated by those savages. And you left us to die under the orders of the Directorate." "I did not!" I interrupted, " I left you to die to save my own skin. The Directorate thought I did all I could to save you and your people. I got an awesome medal for it." I got hit in the face this time. "Well, Space Dick. I've been waiting a month for you to wake up, just so I can hear your screams as I send your mind into chaos." he licks his lips savoring the moment, " Just as you did to me after the academy." I couldn't believe he still blames me for that............. even though it was totally my fault. But he doesn't know that so Shhhhhhhh! "Where is Michibot?" I asked. "Hidden." he said. "From me?" I asked "From us." he said. "You haven't found her?" I asked. "No" he said. "Do you even know if she's functioning?" I asked. "We're unsure" he said. " Oh! I see. You need me to find her for you, right?" I asked. " Actually, no. I've sent out dozens of search parties for her, but they've all been unsuccessful. I could increase our efforts, but then you woke up. So I figured I'd just have you wander Sector L and search for her as entertainment." he said. That didn't sound so bad. I.S.D's are born trackers. I could probably find her in one and a half blog entries. I couldn't help but chuckle at his "brilliant" plan. "What's so funny I.S.D?" slightly amused by my amusment. "Oh nothing. When do we start?" I couldn't help but be playful. "NOW!" he barks. Suddenly, I feel myself drop. I fall an impressive height and the chair breaks(this thing wasn't wooden, people. Just trying to give you an idea of how high we were)We were in the Dreadnought. I look up and see the mammoth ship leaving Sector L's orbit. Many planets outside of Dimension 12 tremble at the sight of this spearlike titan (Though, it would be even scarier if it wasn't rounded at the tip).
I get up and stretch my legs. It feels good to move my legs after so long. I look around at Sector L and try to get my bearings. It's then when I realized that this isn't the Sector L I remember. "Crap! I always get Sector L and the spa planet of Sector of Painful Agonizing Sorrow So Horrid That You Gargle With Broken Glass Just to Take Your Mind Off the Pain mixed up. It's Sector L that's the bad one." I tell myself. The Directorate is still working on that name change. In Sector L, all you'll find is death at every corner. And there are a lot of corners. Mainly because Sector L is a planet that was completely converted into ............ a Labyrinth. I hate mazes. "DAMN YOU BARTHALOG!!!!" I yelled. And that's when I heard a roar so loud the planet began to shake. How could I have forgotten about the Minotaur.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D Out

Let's hope I get to Michibot before the Minotaur does.