The Mayhnohtawr Part Two

Many things can go through a man's head just before he's about to be smashed to bits by a colossal hammer. I had to think quick in order to defeat this beast. I looked around me to see what I can use. All I see is crushed rock, broken down trees, and all sorts of furry little creatures running for their lives. I hate furry little creatures. Useless vermin is all they are. They're covered in filth and carry countless diseases. Just the thought of them makes my allergies act up. That's it. It may be a bit much. But it has to work. I look up at the hammer with my eyes filled with tears and my nostrils flared. I take a deep breath and let him have it. I'm not allowed to sneeze anywhere in the galaxy, due to their destructive powers. And because of the damage I've caused with my sneezes, I am sometimes referred to as "The Hurricane". I sneeze once to knock the hammer out of the bull monster's hands. A second one knocks him on his ass. And finally, I jump up on to the monster's chest, look him dead in the eyes and I sneeze a third time to end it. As soon as I take this final sneeze, I see the flesh get blown right off the face of the Mayhnohtawr. Their is dust and debris everywhere. A few of the mountains that were standing behind the Mayhnohtawr are no longer there. Perhaps I over did it. The dust began to settle. I look down at where the Mayhnotawr's head is supposed to be. I don't expect much to be left after a direct hit like that but maybe a few skull fragments. Everything is clear. And much to my surprise, all I see are wires, circuits, and a mutilated metal Mayhnohtawr skull. What the hell is going on? A machine? Suddenly, I hear a thumping on the inside of the monster's chest. I think to myself, "It's heart is still beating." Then I hear a voice call out, " Hello? Is anyone out there?" It was a cute voice that sounded much like a mongoloid Ringo Starr. It called out again " I'm stuck. I'd greatly appreciate it if you would just help me out." Is this thing serious? "I'm very sorry for trying to smash you to bits," it called out again. Well, if it's sorry, Iguess I could help him out. One punch is all it takes for me to break through the contraptions shell. I reach my hand out to help the creature insinde. A big furry hand takes mine, " Thank you very much. Mr. I.S.D. I would've gone crazy. You see, I'm a bit claustrophobic." I can't believe this thing is the legendary Mayhnohtawr. He dusts himself off and makes his way to the ground. I jump down off his hunk-o-juck mayhnohbot. Hearing the beast talk and seeing how he acts, he comes off as a bit...Well, how can I say this? He comes off as a bit of a puss. Very well groomed, his horns polished, bull's beard trimmed, and shiny hooves. It doesn't look like he hasn't seen much battle. But don't get me wrong. He's still a "mayhnohtawr". Though, not as tall as his metal shell. He reached 11 feet easy. His body is built like an ox in his prime. He looks to me with kind, concerned eyes, " I'm terribly sorry for trying to kill you, mate. It's just business, you know? If you don't hurt me, I'll be glad to help you with whatever you need..." As he was politely rambling, I though it'd be good to cut to the chase. So I socked him in the nose, grabbed the bull by the horns(HA!), slammed his head into the ground, and said."Alright freak! Tell me where Michibot is or I swear to God I'll chop your head off and use as a toilet in my cruiser!" "I don't know!" he responded barely conscious. I stuck my hand in his mouth and grabbed his tongue. "Okay, Assface! Tell me or your tongue is getting shoved into my breakfast burrito." He decided to cooperate. "Chrolls thook her!" He managed to spit out while his tongue was still in my hand. I let go. I didn't have to ask him to know what he was trying to say. I hate trolls.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D. Out

The Mahynohtawr

I just keep running. There's no way I'm fighting a minotaur with no weapon. I wish Barthalog would've left something to help me survive. Oh well. I'll play this one by the book. Just try your best to survive. That's what the handbook tells us. But I'm gonna have a hard time in this jam. Every corner I turn, I hear the minotaur's footsteps getting closer. As I turn one corner, I almost fall into a pit of acid bullfrogs. I have to stay focused. Otherwise, this planet will get the best of me. I stop for a rest. Everything goes quiet. The footsteps have stopped. I look around. All I see are walls and corners and crimson sky. Things are calm. Calm and suspicious. I don't like it. The air grows heavy. Hot and wet. I don't remember the humidity being this thick......and spastic.......and feeling as if there were some giant bull-like creature standing over me breathing heavily over my head. Oh Shit. The minotaur has me. I look up and lo and behold, there he is. He snarls and grunts. The force from his nostrils shift the clouds in the sky in the opposite direction. This mammoth creature truly is god-like. He looks down at me with his eyes as black as the void. He opens his mouth to speak "WHO DARES TO WANDER IN THE REALM OF THE MAHYNOHTAWR!" The mountains shake at his thunderous voice. I look up at him and reply "Uhm.....(clears throat).... It is I, Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D." "WHO?!" He throws back to me another crack of thunder. "Chris I.S.D, oh mighty minotaur" I manage to push out of my mouth along with the brick I manage to push into my pants. "MINI-TAR?!?! I AM NOT VERY SMALL TAR, CHRIS I.S.D! I AM THE MAYHNOHTAWR!" "That's kinda gay!" I reply when I subconsciously decide I don't want to live anymore. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, VERMIN?!?!" Yeah. I pissed him off. I figured that out by the sound of his voice. I also realized it when he started lifting his hammer over his head which I mistook for a mountain resting behind him. I'm not looking forward to this amount of pain. He swings down with a force that seems to blow all the stone labyrinth walls into dust. I look up and watch the mountain size hammerhead come down. I think about my life. I've been hunted down by men I was supposed to be hunting. I've been sent to realms, dimensions, galaxies, and wormholes that I was never supposed to come back from. I've been wrongfully imprisoned, tortured for months on end, and have had many of girlfriend with crazy dads with guns. I've faced things that would make a normal man go insane within a matter of seconds. So as this hammer is about to crush me, I lift my hand up and roar right back at the "mayhnohtawr", "I AM FUCKING CHRISTOPHER DELAPAZ I.S.D! AND I AM ABOUT TO END YOU!!!!" I think it's time to show this thing what madness looks like.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out

The Reunion

I wake up. I look all around me and all I see is darkness. I try getting up, but I can't move. I'm tied to a chair. "Am I a prisoner?" I thought. And then I look ahead and see them. Two flaming red orbs staring right at me. Suddenly, I felt as if I were punched in the stomach by fear. But then I realized I was actually punched in the stomach by someone who apparently had a very large fist. "That's enough Hanz!" a deep voice seemed to growl. It came from the orbs. I knew that voice. He spoke again, "Let's introduce our guest to his hosts." The lights burned my eyes. It was so bright. You know that feeling when you've been sleeping off a hang over and your mom comes into your room and opens the curtains so you could get ready for church? Well, that's what it felt like. I was blind for a moment. Then my vision began to clear. Everything looked like a smudge, but I could still see those flaming eyes. Then everything became clear as crystal. And I saw him. "Hey Barthy." I says to him. "Hello Space Dick. How're the last moments of your life?" he asked with cold delight. He's never one for jokes and sarcasm. Not unless he's about to kill someone. That's one of Barthalog's most sinister qualities. He likes to have fun on the job. "I see you're still alive after the Ginger Revolt," I smirked at him. Another punch got me in the gut. I looked to my side as the this gargantuan mass of muscle standing next to me wearing nothing but a loincloth pulls back his fist. Barthy always was a bit "odd". "No thanks to you!" he growled once more, " Half of my dimension's forces were mutilated by those savages. And you left us to die under the orders of the Directorate." "I did not!" I interrupted, " I left you to die to save my own skin. The Directorate thought I did all I could to save you and your people. I got an awesome medal for it." I got hit in the face this time. "Well, Space Dick. I've been waiting a month for you to wake up, just so I can hear your screams as I send your mind into chaos." he licks his lips savoring the moment, " Just as you did to me after the academy." I couldn't believe he still blames me for that............. even though it was totally my fault. But he doesn't know that so Shhhhhhhh! "Where is Michibot?" I asked. "Hidden." he said. "From me?" I asked "From us." he said. "You haven't found her?" I asked. "No" he said. "Do you even know if she's functioning?" I asked. "We're unsure" he said. " Oh! I see. You need me to find her for you, right?" I asked. " Actually, no. I've sent out dozens of search parties for her, but they've all been unsuccessful. I could increase our efforts, but then you woke up. So I figured I'd just have you wander Sector L and search for her as entertainment." he said. That didn't sound so bad. I.S.D's are born trackers. I could probably find her in one and a half blog entries. I couldn't help but chuckle at his "brilliant" plan. "What's so funny I.S.D?" slightly amused by my amusment. "Oh nothing. When do we start?" I couldn't help but be playful. "NOW!" he barks. Suddenly, I feel myself drop. I fall an impressive height and the chair breaks(this thing wasn't wooden, people. Just trying to give you an idea of how high we were)We were in the Dreadnought. I look up and see the mammoth ship leaving Sector L's orbit. Many planets outside of Dimension 12 tremble at the sight of this spearlike titan (Though, it would be even scarier if it wasn't rounded at the tip).
I get up and stretch my legs. It feels good to move my legs after so long. I look around at Sector L and try to get my bearings. It's then when I realized that this isn't the Sector L I remember. "Crap! I always get Sector L and the spa planet of Sector of Painful Agonizing Sorrow So Horrid That You Gargle With Broken Glass Just to Take Your Mind Off the Pain mixed up. It's Sector L that's the bad one." I tell myself. The Directorate is still working on that name change. In Sector L, all you'll find is death at every corner. And there are a lot of corners. Mainly because Sector L is a planet that was completely converted into ............ a Labyrinth. I hate mazes. "DAMN YOU BARTHALOG!!!!" I yelled. And that's when I heard a roar so loud the planet began to shake. How could I have forgotten about the Minotaur.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D Out

Let's hope I get to Michibot before the Minotaur does.

Another Time

I was called into the 13th Dimension to the Frathea sector. I had a mission on Vathek, the biotech planet. It was supposed to be a simple mission(they always tell me that). You see, the crazy bio-engineers were working on a new cyborg secretary to help out our new nebbish President of the Intergalactic Space Directorate. He needed someone to help him put people in their place, get him cigarettes when he was over stressed, and dispense tissues when things got too hard for him to handle . This guy was a real loser. That's why the scientist came up with this new machine. They called it the Mechinoid Indigenous Captivator Hot Intelligent Bitch Of Tomorrow or MICHIBOT, but it's creator Dr. Robison called it Michelle. He thought it to be his best work. Beauty and Science at their best. And I couldn't help but agree. This thing was way more advanced than anything I've ever seen...........and it was really hot. Directions were clear. Escort MICHIBOT to the Directorate capitol in the 1st Dimension. Robison made sure to tell me to keep a look out for any suspicious looking people. He said that other dimensions would implode homeworlds for this kinda technology. I told him not to worry and I was off. I wanted this simple mission to be simple for once, so I decided to hyper phase warp through all of the other dimensions. I didn't want any trouble. I had my coordinates set and everything was buckled up and locked in. But just as I was going to engage my thrusters, the BOT started talking. I really wish it had said something sooner and a whole lot sweeter. Unfortunately, all it had to say was this: " Worm Bomb Detected. Prepare for Impact". They always say these missions are going to be simple. That's a bunch of bull. The worm bomb went off and sent us spiraling. I hate those damn things. They're these little bombs that first send off an EMP to shut down your cruiser then open up a wormhole to send you to a predetermined destination. It's like you're riding a rollercoaster and right when you're about to hit the loop your safety rail pop off. The only thing you do is hold on for dear life. The doc told me there were going to be some nasty people after this thing. And he was right. When we arrived to our new destination, there was only one thought that went through my mind. "Figures". We ended up in the 12th Dimension............The Realm of Chaos.

Until next time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D. Out.


I really hope Barthalog isn't still mad at me.

The Quarter Moon

And there I was. Lost within the Amazonian jungles of the Prilac sector. I hate traveling the Ferral dimension. I was called in to bring some wackjob doctor in for questioning. I found the doctor, but the Directorate failed to inform me that he's one of the most feared creatures in the universe.......A Werebear. I was trained for this kinda stuff. I'm knee deep in mud, everything in front of me is green, and the only thing I hear is the crash of lightning from the stormshowers. At least, that's what I hope it is. Otherwise, it sounds like my Werebear doc is gettin hungry. Not many people know how to stop a Werebear. The only weakness is the shot of a silver plasma rifle/pistol round. That's what I hear anyway. No one's ever lived long enough to shoot one off on a werebear. I always keep on just in case. Let's hope I'm quick enough. I need some jams to loosen me up a bit. I'm glad I brought my I.S.D issued Zune(product placement). I put it on random. A lot of this music is put on by the Directorate. Some of it just sounds weird. Anyway, all of a sudden, I hear something. A vicious growl. It's here. I look around me. I can't see anything. The sun is gone now. Nothing left but me, the werebear, and the jungle darkness. Suddenly, lightning strikes and I can see everything around me. Especially, the werebear charging towards me. I didn't know what to do. I thought this was the end(for real). But right as I was being charged a song started playing on my Zune. I couldn't understand it, especially the parts about big cheese, asswipes, and hashpipes. All I knew is that I couldn't help but jam out. If I was gonna go, then I was gonna go rocking. And as soon as I began rocking out with the air guitar, the werebear joined in. It could hear my music. It was rocking rhythm air guitar for me. And at that moment we bonded. We reached a bond that seemed impossible for to living things to reach. We became bros at that moment. When the song finally finished, the creature stood there in confusion trying to figure out where the music went. I decided to take this time to blast his shit into next week. He tried to jump at me, but I was able to get him. Right between the eyes. It was over and I could finally take it in for questioning. But I really wish, I could've gotten the shot off sooner. The damn thing got me pretty good.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out

The End (Not Really)

It all came down to my mistake. I thought I had it all figured out. But it seemed liked Barthalog got the jump on me. I was flagged. The Intergalactic Space Directorate sent out a warrant for my permenent termination. Chills went down my spine. I was alone now. All I had was my Level 387B Space Cruiser(Your basic hunk-o-junk ISD cruiser, but it's gotten me out of a lot of tight spots), my intergalactic space plasma rifle/pistol, and DethKlaw(my stuffed werebear. He helps me sleep at night). I figured it to be right. The hunter becomes the hunted. I new I should've verified my email address in the Directorate's mainframe. I guess I'll just have to request a renewal. But that'll mean a trip to HQ. I wasn't expecting a trip to Wetchbak(Space Mexico) so soon. Oh well, looks like another sticky situation.

Until next time,
Christopher De La Paz I.S.D.

The Humdrum

So I woke up this morning and I felt it. Wait.........I smelled it. It was in the air. The smell of...evil. So I went downstairs to investigate and saw the injustice of space in my can of......uhm...cannniness. So I decided to move. I quickly grabbed its containment bags and prepared to send it to the oblivion pod. Suddenly, I heard a tearing sound. My containment bags were losing their hold. Injustice was all over my gravity floor. I grabbed the hydroelectric sponge on a stick(it's like a swiffer, but it can kill people). I brought my floor to order and procceded to the oblivion pods. After I sent the injustice to the void, I thought it to be a job well done.


Almost as well done as the time I battled Barthalog of the 12th Dimension back into containment in the Chaos galaxy. But that's a story for another time.

Christopher De La Paz I.S.D Out