The Gun

The caves were frigid. I was almost out of breath. Dodging plasma rounds is hard work. But I was determined to get this guy. "Who are you?!" I yelled. Laughter was all I received. I was getting pissed. Moving my legs and arms around was like heaving sacks of rock. I couldn't keep this up for much longer. I needed to end this quick. I'd have taken him out with my Big Bang Sneeze, but I had already pushed myself to it's limit(with all the troll killing and all). I wondered how M was doing. Hopefully, he was done getting daddy's hammer back and was on his way to help me. Or maybe, the trolls overpowered him and were on their way to finish me off. Shit. I couldn't do this anymore. This "simple mission" had taken me past my limit. But I wasn't going to lose here. Not like this. I needed to think. This guy's only been using the rifle mode on scatter. He's using a lot of unneccessary energy. So his aim must be bad if he can't take me out with precision. So what do I do? Keep dodging and moving forward then take him out face to face? Sounds solid. Then again, he could just be dicking with me(Maniacal laughter is kinda unsettling). Fudge it. The next blast that came hit hard. A cloud surrounded the whole area. "Looks like the end Space Dick!" The voice cheered. "The Bartha-scum should pay me nicely for your remains." He stuck the gun in his belt as he walked over to the crater that was left."That's saying if there are any remains." He investigated but found nothing. The smirk on his face made me want to Billy Zane from Demon Knights Skull Punch his ass, but I waited. "Oh well, looks like I'll have to make do with a suped-up I.S.D space cruiser, a robo-whore, and a bull corpse." "Or I can see what I can get with a troll king's." The "king's" body went completely stiff as I whispered those last words into his ear. But I helped loosen him up as I ripped his spine out from his lower back. His body hit the floor like a wet robe. His skull slapped the rock. I looked for a second watching his crown tumble down the crater where he thought I was. Detectives are keepers of the peace. Detectives complete missions with ease and tact. Detectives are supposed to withdraw instead of negotiate. Detectives usually accept defeat. Unfortunately for the troll king, I'm a bad detective.

Until Next Time,
Christopher De La Paz I.S.D out

P.S: Now it's time to pick up a robo-whore.

The Ram

I don't know what it was about that hammer thing, but it pissed my little bull freak friend off. All of a sudden. The Mayhnohtawr tossed those little troll bastards off his back like they were dirty laundry. Those trolls flew and splattered right there on the walls of the cave. It was awesome. Then M ran straight for the troll carrying the hammer. Of course, he had to plow through the other trolls standing in his way. Poor bastards. At this point, the trolls that were holding me down left. I guess they wanted to focus on bullface. While he was taking care of business, this gave me the opportunity to search through the caves. As I was running through the cave's turns and dips, I though about some things. What was up with the Mayhnotawr? I've never seen anyone get so worked up over a hammer. And what was with that thing he said? Papa? What's his dad gotta do with a hammer? (Side for the fact that Mayhnohtawrs are known for carrying hammers) But whatever. All this running and thinking was making me tired. I decided to stop and rest for a while. It was scary resting in those caves. Here I am, in the middle of enemy territory, taking a breather. But it was peaceful being in the darkness. I managed to find myself next to one of them cave rivers. It was nice and cool. Suddenly, my peace was disrupted as I heard a loud pop. Then, a flash of light was heading straight for me. I quickly dodged the blast as it turn the rock behind me into dust. I'd be worried of a cave in if I wasn't so sure that trolls are the best cave builders in the world. But renown cave builder or not, whoever shot at me was going to die. Especially, FOR TRYING TO KILL ME WITH MY OWN PISTOL/RIFLE!!!!

Until next time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out.

Things are about to get messy once I get my gun back.

The Hammer

Yo. So there I was surrounded by trolls. I turn to the Mayhnohtawr and I'm all like "Woah man, this sucks!"He looks to me and says "Indeed" in his faggy brit talk. Meanwhile, the trolls come up to us(at this point, there's a shit-ton of em') and say "Allright you Directorate trash, you're coming with us to the great troll city of.......AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" While they're talking, I decide to use my combat skills to wreak havoc on their frontlines. Just because I'm surrounded doesn't mean I'm done fighting. So I'm letting them have it. I'm pretty sure at on point, I beat a 16 year old troll soldier with the spine of the 84 year old troll soldier next to him. Seriously, I was doing things so horrific that the Mayhnohtawr was vomitting for three weeks after this. I impaled five trolls with a troll. Things were getting ridiculous. I mean, I knew trolls were easy to kill, but come on. This explains all the underground dwelling and the trap setting. These things can barely defend themselves. Things only things they got going for them is that there are so god damn many of them. I mean it. If I killed like 1, another 5 seem to appear. I got extremely tired. I looked to the Mayhnohtawr and gave him one of those "Bitch! What the fuck were you doing?" stares. The Mayhnohtawr just sat there with a defeated look on his face as the remaining trolls stood there taunting him. "Yo bitch! You aint got nothin on dis. Das why the rest of you bull fucking shitdicks got iced by us." one charming troll said. Another yelled out "Kill the last of the Minotaurs!!!" "Yeah!!! Kill the miserable bastard!!!" one man said. And seeing that I was the only man there, I'm just going to go ahead and tell you it was me. I couldn't help it. It slipped. Eitherway, everyone else seemed to be all for the whole "killing" thing(But we all know he's going to get through this. All thanks to my spoiler from earlier). So that was it. The trolls were in agreement. "Execute the beast!!!" they all chanted. And each time they said it, the more terrified the Mayhnohtawr became. All of a sudden, one troll stood out from the top of the crowd and belted out a command. "BRING OUT THE DESTROYER AND THE FORGE!!!" I had no idea what he was talking about. But then I looked to the Mayhnohtawr. His eyes were wide open and his jaw was hanging. Something told me he knew exactly what he was talking about. Then it seemed as if he muttered one word.... "Papa?"

Until next time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out

The Cave

So we were there standing in front of the dark mouth that lead into the bowels of this foul planet. Why do trolls have to live in such creepy places? "We must travel deep if we wish to get to the troll capitol." the Mayhnohtawr grumbled. I assume he's not happy that I'm forcing him to face the creatures that made him an endangered species. I feel bad. I'd go it alone if I knew the way. I tried to make him feel better " Suck it up, Pansy. You get me through this and I can leave you and this dead rock." I think that helped. We began our journey into the abyss. It must have been days travel in the void of the cave. We trekked through dark corner after dark corner. It seemed as the deeper we went in the absence of good increased more and more. I was becoming agitated. It felt as though the darkness was weighing heavier and heavier on our shoulders. That could only mean one thing. We were being followed. After a while, I was unsure if the Mayhnohtawr actually knew where he was going. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. "Where are we going, you moron?!?!" I exploded. "Shhhh" The Mayhnotawr snapped back at me. " We have to lose them before they make their move." I hate it when I'm right. "How many of them are there?" I asked him, trying to play it cool. He takes a big whiff in and responds " About 86." he takes another whiff " And another 347 are on there way." It's crazy. I knew we were being followed, but god damn. These trolls really now how to not be noticed. Bunch of cowards. I smiled to my bullfreak friend "Well Bessy. Looks like these trolls are throwing a party and we're the guests of honor." "What do we do Mr. I.S.D?" the Mayhnohtawr's voice was beginning to quiver. "Play it by the book, my friend." My palms were beginning to sweat " And try our best to survive." We stopped moving forward. "What're you doing?....." the Mayhnohtawr began to ask me. But before he could begin to panic even more I turned around and looked deep into the darkness" Alright assclowns! We know you're there and we're ready for ya! Now come on and I may let you live if you give me what I want!" At this point, I remembered that I have no weapon or armor of any kind to help me out of this pickle. But it's not like they knew that. Suddenly, a voice echoed from the darkness. "Give up I.S.D!!! We know you're unarmed. Now surrender or we'll kill you and that spinelss oaf." How could they know unarmed. "We have your space cruiser, your sidearm, and the Fembot." Crap. That's how they know. Well shit. Hmmm. Okay. Give me another blog entry and I'll figure a way out of this.

Until next time:
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out.

Two and a half blog entries my ass.

Mothers Day Special

We interupt this blog to bring you the following video: Love you mom.

Tune in next Wednesday for The Cave. Maybe Michibot will be down there.

The Interrogation

I paced back and forth as my prisoner watched me back and forth. He seemed much gentler without his giant Mecha-tawr. I had him on the floor bound down. He looked at me with kind eyes and a simple smile over his beard. I grabbed him by the horns and dug my knee into his snout. "How do I get to the Trolls, assface?" I politely asked. He looked up at me now with tears in his eyes and blood running down his mouth froim his nose and said to me in his gay Liverpoolish accent(a place on some fag planet I came across a while back ago) " What'dya do that for? That really hurt, it did." He could easily fight back. This thing is massive. A bit small for a Mayhnohtawr, but still large enough to break through the many bindings I put on him and crush me. But he just keeps sitting there, staring at me. "I'm trying complete my mission. I'm escorting a goverment aid to the Directorate Capitol. You said she's with the Trolls. Now tell me how to get to her." I just want this beast to cooperate with me. As I finish my request, he continue to stare. It's irritating. If he doesn't answer me soon, I will kill him. Not because I have to, but because I'm that impatient. He smiles " You didn't say the magic word." "YOU MORON! I AM GOING TO SMASH YOUR HEAD IN WITH YOUR OWN HAMMER IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE THE TROLLS ARE HIDING!!!" I would've unloaded on this guy if I still had my plasma pistol-rifle. Though, I think I got to him. Because now those eyes that were kind and filled with happiness were now sad and glossy. "I don't have a hammer. I never had one. After the meanies and the Big boss with the red eyes sent the other Mayhnohtawrs away. There was no one else but me. No more soldiers, no more pie makers, and no more hammersmiths." I heard of the Great Mayhnohtawr Resistence. They had Barthalog on the run for long time. Until he brought in the Trolls. " So it's just you?" I asked. "That's right. And I was doin a good job of stayin alive until you busted my Mecha-tawr." "I'm sorry." The last of his kind. I know that feeling. "Look. If you help me, I'll help you get your revenge. Just please, show me where the trolls are keeping Michi-bot." He sat and thought awhile. "I'll show you where they're keeping her. But I don't want revenge. I just want a hammer. Help me retrieve the great hammer of Marcus the Forge and I will take you to your little girl-bot." "Who's Marcus the Forge?" I asked. "Well, he was the leader of the Resistence, the maker of hammers, and well....." he paused for a moment, then looked back at me with a few more tears in his eyes. " Well, he was also my dad." I stretched my hand out towards him. He grasped it with his massive mitts. "It's a deal. Show me where they're keeping your dad's hammer and then you can take me to Michi-bot." I'm excited. I may get to kill a lot of people. "That'll be simple. They're both in the same place." He got to his feet, breaking all of my binding as I thought he could. "It's off to the cave now." It seems like our time in the Labyrinth on the surface is over. But our time in the Labyrinth underground has just begun. I hate trolls.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D out

The Mayhnohtawr Part Two

Many things can go through a man's head just before he's about to be smashed to bits by a colossal hammer. I had to think quick in order to defeat this beast. I looked around me to see what I can use. All I see is crushed rock, broken down trees, and all sorts of furry little creatures running for their lives. I hate furry little creatures. Useless vermin is all they are. They're covered in filth and carry countless diseases. Just the thought of them makes my allergies act up. That's it. It may be a bit much. But it has to work. I look up at the hammer with my eyes filled with tears and my nostrils flared. I take a deep breath and let him have it. I'm not allowed to sneeze anywhere in the galaxy, due to their destructive powers. And because of the damage I've caused with my sneezes, I am sometimes referred to as "The Hurricane". I sneeze once to knock the hammer out of the bull monster's hands. A second one knocks him on his ass. And finally, I jump up on to the monster's chest, look him dead in the eyes and I sneeze a third time to end it. As soon as I take this final sneeze, I see the flesh get blown right off the face of the Mayhnohtawr. Their is dust and debris everywhere. A few of the mountains that were standing behind the Mayhnohtawr are no longer there. Perhaps I over did it. The dust began to settle. I look down at where the Mayhnotawr's head is supposed to be. I don't expect much to be left after a direct hit like that but maybe a few skull fragments. Everything is clear. And much to my surprise, all I see are wires, circuits, and a mutilated metal Mayhnohtawr skull. What the hell is going on? A machine? Suddenly, I hear a thumping on the inside of the monster's chest. I think to myself, "It's heart is still beating." Then I hear a voice call out, " Hello? Is anyone out there?" It was a cute voice that sounded much like a mongoloid Ringo Starr. It called out again " I'm stuck. I'd greatly appreciate it if you would just help me out." Is this thing serious? "I'm very sorry for trying to smash you to bits," it called out again. Well, if it's sorry, Iguess I could help him out. One punch is all it takes for me to break through the contraptions shell. I reach my hand out to help the creature insinde. A big furry hand takes mine, " Thank you very much. Mr. I.S.D. I would've gone crazy. You see, I'm a bit claustrophobic." I can't believe this thing is the legendary Mayhnohtawr. He dusts himself off and makes his way to the ground. I jump down off his hunk-o-juck mayhnohbot. Hearing the beast talk and seeing how he acts, he comes off as a bit...Well, how can I say this? He comes off as a bit of a puss. Very well groomed, his horns polished, bull's beard trimmed, and shiny hooves. It doesn't look like he hasn't seen much battle. But don't get me wrong. He's still a "mayhnohtawr". Though, not as tall as his metal shell. He reached 11 feet easy. His body is built like an ox in his prime. He looks to me with kind, concerned eyes, " I'm terribly sorry for trying to kill you, mate. It's just business, you know? If you don't hurt me, I'll be glad to help you with whatever you need..." As he was politely rambling, I though it'd be good to cut to the chase. So I socked him in the nose, grabbed the bull by the horns(HA!), slammed his head into the ground, and said."Alright freak! Tell me where Michibot is or I swear to God I'll chop your head off and use as a toilet in my cruiser!" "I don't know!" he responded barely conscious. I stuck my hand in his mouth and grabbed his tongue. "Okay, Assface! Tell me or your tongue is getting shoved into my breakfast burrito." He decided to cooperate. "Chrolls thook her!" He managed to spit out while his tongue was still in my hand. I let go. I didn't have to ask him to know what he was trying to say. I hate trolls.

Until Next Time,
Christopher DeLaPaz I.S.D. Out